So, today I’m going to talk about something that’s kind of personal.
I might have fallen into a never ending ditch of misery if it was not for this.
I might have hated the world for what they have done to me.
I might have lost all meaning of life.
This thing that saved my life is english.
You’re probably thinking: ‘oh, but isn’t that something we use everyday? Like when we communicate or something in those lines?’ Sure. You are right. We do use them in our lives daily. But, I’m from a non-english culture country, and it’s kind of hard to meet someone with a passion for english. Hell, the english we learn at school is probably the things they learn in elementary schools in the U.S. So, the language, as strange as it seems, have put life into me.
From my youth, I was not a smart guy. I was a dumb, out of school guy. I ran out of school, got D’s or F’s in tests, and basically did not fit in in school. The school was not a fun place for me to stay in. I basically went there because my parents forced me to.
I was not a smart guy, either. It was not like I knew what stuff meant but not studying. I did not understand them from the start. So I started to evade studying and only study when my parents forced me to. (Which they did but I did not do very well…)
But there was one thing, one thing that actually captured my attention. It was english. I’ll admit it. I did not like english from the start and basically hated it but my parents made me do it. The only part I like was the part when they let me watch english movies. I loved movies back then. Well, not only movies, but all the stuff that captured my interest had something to do with the T.V. I guess that’s how I got my listening skills?
Anyway, I started to study english from that, and then started to read books. Of course I started to read simple english books like ‘The Magic Tree House’ or something like that, and started to go up slowly.
But there was once that I had no skill better than others. In middle school, which means 7th-9th grade, I basically was not good at anything. I sucked at english, math, korean, so on and so forth. That was when I started to think about letting go of everyting. I got bullied at school, for no apparent reason, and no matter how much I did, did not understand how things made sence in text books. I basically had no hope. My once friends had betrayed me and started to bully me too, and the teachers paid no attention to that at all, even after I told them precisely about it. Life didn’t seem worthy at that time.
More than once did I consider letting everything go and just living my life as it went by.
More than once did I consider letting go of hope and hating the world.
More than once did I hope to escape this world.
But everytime I tried to let go of everyting, one thing kept holding me back. The fear that I will lose passion for english. It wasn’t a common thing to find, and I had worked so hard to get one.
So once, I did let go of everyting. Just except for english.
I stopped caring about other’s attitudes about me, stopped caring about studying, stopped caring about myself.
I became a wreck. If I could have smoked or drank, then I’m pretty sure that I would have been even more wrecked. I just… stopped everything. Like, everything.
Then, for some reason, I started to study. I still don’t know why exactly till this day. But thinking back, I think it was english.
Maybe it was just that I needed to get away from everything. Maybe it was because I felt a ping of a regret. But I think the most likely thing that triggered me to back to studying was english.
As I said, I had let go of everything. Like, really everyting. But I had not of english. Maybe that is the real reason why I grasped everything again.
I know this is a shitty blogging file, but I was in kind of a hurry to write, so… yeah. As always, good day!