We were clearing landmines for the tanks to move up. I got promoted and got more cash and chances to use the phone.
Though… I didn’t really use them.
I had no one to call to. Of course, there was Seath, but I still hadn’t made up my mind with her. She being a normal civilian had, no chance of calling me, so we haven’t talked in months.
The detector beeped, indicating that a landmine was right underneath the sensor. I dug up the ground, took out the landmine, and defused it. That was the third landmine I located.
I evaded thinking of Seath. It made my mind fuzzy with happiness, anger, and confusion. I didn’t know what to act out of it.
Naturally, I acted angry when I thought of it. Not that I was angry with her, but angry at the feelings that I cannot understand.
Normally, I would have Seath calming me down and helping me with my mind, but this time, she was the source of the problem, so…
What did I think of her?
Did I love her back? Was I ready to break the friendship barrier? Was I ready to lose her if things didn’t work out?
Maybe I did love her. Maybe things would work out. Maybe I was messing around in my mind with something that would go well.
I mentally slapped myself. I wasn’t about to put my friendship to risk. No matter what Seath said, I was not about to get swayed of my opinion before I made up my mind. I would not take the risk.
As I thought, I dug up 2 more mines, and we reached the end if the mine field. We were done. We started heading back to the base.
‘Anything in your mind, sir?’ asked Olin, on my right. ‘You seemed to be thinking awfully a lot, you know.’
‘Nothing too major.’ I replied, lying.
He seemed convinced. ‘Ok. But you know you have us to talk to, if it’s major, right?’
‘Thanks.’ I said.
Tomorrow would be the third month of not talking to Seath. Although I was still not sure of my feelings, I still would have to check on her. I was not about to abandon her, even if she made my emotions swirl into an unending loop.
As I was thinking, we reached the base. We were told to have some time off, and to rest. Time passed, and just before sleep, an announcement was made by the speaker that tomorrow we could use the phone. An excited wave of chatter went by.
I wished I could be one of the excited guys.
Sadly, I wasn’t. What I talk tomorrow could be the end of my friendship. I wasn’t really looking forward to it.
The night ended like that.
It was the next day.
I was waiting in line to use the phone. Apparently I was the only one with worry in my mind. Everyone else was chatting happily with each other, waiting in line.
Time skip a bit forward, and it was my turn. I connected my phone, and clicked on Seath’s number. The phone rang for a bit, and Seath picked up.
‘Hey.’ I said.
An awkward silence followed.
‘So… Anything up?’ I asked.
‘You called me. Why?’ She asked, uncertainly. ‘I thought you hated me?’
‘What? No! I just had to make up my mind! And even if I hated you, I wouldn’t just dump you! Did you learn nothing about me through these last 19 years?’ I exclaimed.
There was another silence.
‘Just checking if you hung up on me. You doing well?’
‘Kinda. Although I am working 14 hours a day to afford the rent and food.’
I was shocked. 14hrs a day?
‘Whoever your employee is, I’m killing him if you are working your tail off to just to afford food and rent!’ I exclaimed. ‘I’ll send you some money. Stop working. Not in that condition. I got a ton from the army and I’m not using them. Check your account in a few days.’ I said.
‘What? No! I can’t just take your money! No! It isnt that bad…’ She said, but I cut her off.
‘No way you’re working 14 hours a day. Not if it’s just to afford your rent and food. No way. No, no arguing. I’m sending you money, and if you don’t use it, it’s staying in your account. End of this argument.’ I pinned.
I was furious and sorry. I wanted to comfort her. God knows what she’s been through these last months. So I made my choice. A choice I’ll regret.
There was only silence on the phone, so I called Seath again.
‘Huh?’ She replied.
‘I…’ I wasn’t sure if I was about to say this, but I still wanted to comfort her. Little did I acknowledge at the time that this was a bad idea. A flash of ‘Meh. Fuckit.’ Went through my mind? And I said ‘I love you.’ Into the phone.
There was yet another silence.
‘You mean it? Seath said in a hopeful/accusing/hurt voice. She knew me too well, and knew that I was lying.
‘As a friend, you mean, right?’
‘I knew it.’ She said in a disappointed/hurt voice. ‘Have you not made up your mind yet?’ She asked. ‘Just tell me the truth. I want the truth.’ She almost pleaded.
‘I…don’t know. Will you listen? I asked, then added, ‘I mean, you’ll listen, but…’ I trailed off.
‘Just tell me the truth.’ She said pleadingly. ‘Please.’
‘I… I don’t know. It’s all a jumble of feelings. I can’t make up my mind. I love you as a friend, you know. But then all of a sudden you declare your love for me, and I’m not sure how to deal with it. I’m afraid of breaking our friendship. I don’t know. I’m sorry.’ I said.
‘It’s ok. I shouldn’t have expected much.’ She said in a sad/raging voice. Uh-oh. A raging Seath was never good… ‘Cuz of course you’re the dumbest dragon who doesn’t have neither the guy to accept or decline one’s heart. Is it so hard? Just make up your mind, damnit!’ she raged.
‘I said I’m sorry!’ I yelled/exclaimed into the phone. If Seath’s yelling didn’t get enough attention, this was sure to get it. Heads turned my way, and I winced inside. ‘Look. Just give me some time, ok?’ I asked, in a lower and softer voice.
‘No! Right now! Turn me down or accept it! I gave you 3 months for god sakes! Are you expecting me to wait forever and accept your heart when I’m old and dying?!’ She exclaimed. ‘I gave you enough time. So answer me! Do you love me or not? She yelled into the phone.
‘I can’t! I don’t know! Fuck! Why? Why are you suddenely like this? I’m in the middle of a fucking war! And you ‘have’ to get the answer right now? Be reasonable! I said I’m sorry! I yelled, now torn and angry.
‘Suit yourself, then.’ She snarled. This took me off guard. She never snarled at me. Never. ‘Don’t be expecting me to wait forever for you.’
She hung up. I dialed her. She didn’t answer. I dialed her again. She didn’t answer.
‘Fuck!’ I yelled and kicked a nearby tree and burned it. Heads turned, but I couldn’t care less. I was angry, and when I’m angry, the world fades away.
God know what I’m gonna do now.