It had been a few days since Rebel died. I mostly sulked at home. Life didn’t have a lot of meaning to you when your best friend and your lover died. We didn’t even manage to find his body. We looked everywhere for his body, where it might be, but it was nowhere to be found. That made me sulk even more.
‘Seath?’ My mom asked, carefully. The house has grown dark after Rebel’s death. Mostly by me, but also by my mom and dad. They mourned on Rebel and said apologizes to his parents who were on the other world while I mourned on my lover and friend.
The protest has changed. Ever since Rebel died, a few more plank cards has been added. Some said ‘Who killed him?’ or ‘What did he do wrong?’ while others said ‘The government killed an innocent dragon!’ Or ‘Rebel against the government!’ We all started to protest more and more in front of the city hall and the army base. Everyone was either furious or sad by the loss. Rumor said there was an uproar in the army as well. Rebel’s squad mates, Olin and the others, had come out of the army, with supplies and joined in the protest as well. They said that the northerners have gone up north and started a protest against the war as well. Everyone seemed furious keen to stop the war.
If only Rebel was here by my side.
The protest was getting bigger, and it was already big from the start. Now it was humongous. From the perspective of a protest leader, all was going well and you couldn’t possibly ask got a bigger success.
But I was a dragon, another dragon before the leader of the protest.
I was devastated by Rebel’s death. I have lost my best friend as well as my lover. Losing either one of them is a huge blow to a dragon. Losing both… didn’t go well with me. I was mostly in my room, and the only times I was out was when I was mostly in my room, and the only time I was out was when I was leading the protest or was doing stuff to live.
‘Honey, have these fruits. They’re good. It’s delicious. And surely, Rebel wouldn’t want you to starve to death because od his death.’ My mom said, carrying a plate with fruits on it. It was not easy to see fruits on the table when there’s war going outside your house, but I turned it down. I simply didn’t have the appetite.
My mom sighed, and put down the fruits with other uneaten food on the desk in my room. ‘Seath.’ Mom started. ‘You gotta eat. Do you think Rebel’ll be happy to see you on the other side because you didn’t feed yourself? It’s about time you started forgiving yourself. Rebel stopped you, and that’s why you couldn’t save Rebel. Stop blaming yourself. There was nothing you could’ve done.
‘But I could’ve saved him. I could’ve ran to him and pulled him to safety. I could’ve…’
‘Gotten both if you killed. There’s nothing you can do. Neither will regretting do any good. Now, please, cheer up, Seath. I know it’s hard. We all do. That’s why we’ve all tried to help you. But you’re pushing us away, Seath. Let us help you.’
I didn’t reply. I just got up and looked at the sky. The sky was clear. Too clear for my likings. Still, I stared at it. My mom just sighed and pulled a chair for me to sit in and went away. I silently sat down and stared at the sky.
Rebel was somewhere up there.
A tear rolled down my face. It was the first tear after breaking down in front of the bloodstain. I let it roll down my face. I tried to hold back the tears for so long because I thought if I let go of the tears, it would feel letting go of Rebel as well.
I wasn’t ready for that.
The stars were so beautiful. Rebel would’ve loved it. Not that Rebel would’ve loved the stars, but he would have loved seeing me happy looking at the stars. He always liked it when I was happy. And when he was liking something, he smiled. And his smile… oh it was so charming… it was so beautiful… oh and the way his face lit up when he was smiling… his natural handsomeness…
And I would never see of it again.
Another tear rolled down my face. Then another. Then another. I covered my face and cried.
I heard the door open. I looked up. The sky was blue. I must’ve cried to sleep.
‘Seath! Did you sleep like that?’ mom half exclaimed. I looked at her. She looked at me and said: ‘Feel better?’
I did, a little bit, but didn’t answer.
‘Come. Let’s go for a flight.’ Mom said, motioning to me. I got up, and washed. I silently followed my mom, and took into the sky.
The wind and the fresh air felt good after so long. But it also felt cold with no one by my side.
After a few hours of silent flying with mom, we landed. I did feel a bit better. I asked for permission and lept back up into the sky again.
‘Could I have saved Rebel?’ I asked myself. Yes. I could have. In fact, Rebel could have saved himself if he listened to me instead of whatever he was up to. He could’ve save himself if he listened to me through the phone. Yet he didn’t. And he left me here, alone.
I cursed at Rebel. I cursed at the world.
I cursed at myself.
A tear started to roll down my face again. I tried to shake it off. It didn’t. Another tear rolled down my face. I tried to shake that off as well. It didn’t.
I always imagined myself as an arrow when I was flying. I was fast, and thus I could usually get the feeling if leaving behind whatever problems when I was flying.
But not this time.
I couldn’t shake it off. I tried. Flying was my last exit. If this didn’t work, if this didn’t help me let go of my regrets, my guilts, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what I would do to myself.
I flew. I flew fast, I flew hard. I tried to leave behind the death, the guilt. I couldn’t. I tried diving, I tried soaring straight up. I tried. I just couldn’t.
Every time I did something to evade the events, it kept coming back to me. What I could have done. What I regretted…
I couldn’t escape. I was trapped.
Tears kept flowing down my face.
I decided to face my problems.
I was going to walk on the unreturnable path.
I saw the ocean down below.
I dived. I dived from the air into the ocean.
I felt the coldness embrace me. I was underwater. Soon, soon I’ll see Rebel again. Soon, I’ll be able to apologize to him. Soon… soon….
I’m sorry everyone. I just can’t live with it…