I was looking at Seath. She didn’t wake up. She looked… so peaceful. It was as if she was dead. One would consider her dead if not for the rise and fall of her chest, and the constant beep from the computer.
I sighed. I put another flower in the vase next to her bed. Every time I came here, I put a flower in that vase. Now it was full, and more than half of them were dead. And she hadn’t still waken up.
It hurt my heart. I felt guilty. If only I had woken up earlier… if only I had found her earlier…
‘No. Stop it. There’s nothing that’s going to change by blaming yourself.’ I told myself.
I looked at the TV. It was as always talking about the war. But it was also talking about the protest. And us. Seath and I. The protest has got over the level where it’ll be called huge. My death and Seath’s suicide attempt had been a huge impact over the society. More and more dragons joined over the protest everyday. All trying to stop the war.
I sighed again. The situation was not good. The protesters had no leader, so the protest was a mess. And now the army was involved, as well. They shot the protesting dragons under the name of control. Everyday, I saw dragons dying, and none of those scenes were broadcasted on the radio or the TV. The government was saying that it was a riot. But they weren’t fooling anyone. Everyone knew the innocent protesters were dying. And that made more dragons join the protest everyday. And they were dying.
They were dying.
All because they wanted the war to stop. All because they protested. All because they were tired of the war.
It all filled me with rage, and more than anything, sadness. We were helpless against the guns. And we couldn’t use force as it would give the government a real reason to call the protest a riot. We were trapped. And even though I assassinated the generals and commanders who ordered the assault, it seemed like there was an endless supply of bad generals or commanders who would order yet another assault. All my hard work seemed useless against the government, and I was losing reasons to continue.
I was about to give up. It was tempting. No more loss of lives, no more headaches, no more blames on myself.
The war would end itself, or would end us. It would end one way or another.
But there were always a few things thay held me back.
Seath. The protesters who believed in me. And my second thoughts.
What would Seath think of me once she awoke and found out that I gave up?
What would the protesters think if I gave up? What about the arrested or the dead?
What would it all have been for if we stop now? What would all the dead lives mean? All the sacrifices… All the attempts… Am I really ready to dump it all away? Am I ready to take full responsibility of the loss? Am I ready to live with it?
I slumped down on a chair. Part of me wanted to just let go. Let go of everything. Actually, more than a part of me. Most of me.
But all these thoughts held me back.
But maybe this was the time to stop. Maybe this was the time to give up. Maybe this was the time to let go.
I hated all the deaths. The hospital was always filled with the dying, or the dead. Every time there was a protest, there were gunshots, and there were dragons carried on stretchers, bleeding. And most of them died. And their families cried. Then they went to the protest themselves. Then they died.
The cycle never ended.
It was bad. And it had all started because of me.
‘No. No no no no no.’ I said to myself. I was starting to think in a bad way again. I was blaming myself again. I had to stop.
‘I’m sorry, Seath.’ I said. ‘I’m sorry. For everything. But what would you do if you’re in my shoes? No no. What could you do? I’m tired, Seath. I’m tired of everything. Tired of all the responsibilities, tired of all the deaths. Tired of not being able to make a change. I’m tired. I know I sound like an idiot. And I’m sorry, Seath. But what can I do?’
She didn’t respond.
I sighed and got up. I said my departures to Seath’s parents, and went out with mh hood on again. Seath’s parents were the obly ones besides the members of Oklad who knew I was alive. Well, them and Seath of Seath was listening to me. On my way out, I saw more dragons either bleeding or already dead on stretchers. I clenched my teeth. I felt guilty, as well as angry.
I decided something.
I was going to go on a rampage, and kill all the corrupt dragons, no matter who they were or where they were. The northern generals, or the generals on my side, or the commanders. Whichever side they were. It didn’t matter.
This had to stop.
And what did I have to lose anyways? I didn’t have any family, and I didn’t know if Seath was ever going to wake up. For all I knew, she could be in coma forever.
From now on, I was going to kill everyone involved in the corrupted war.
I didn’t care.
I didn’t want to care. All the thinking only made my head ache. I stopped caring. Or, I wanted to stop caring, and wanted all this to end.
So I was going to end it, and by my hands.
If the protest didn’t mean anything, so be it. They had their chance. And now it was my turn to answer.