I’m a mess right now.

I’m sorry for who ever is reading this.

I’m drunk right now.

I drank a bottle of watered vodka.It has over 16% of alcohol in it.

I don’t know how much I’m drunk.

I just tried to be a brother to my sister.

It didn’t work out right.

I broke my sister’s sim card. Cause she used the workd ‘찐따’

It’s basically a korean word for a loser.

I heard a lot of it. When I was bullied at middle school. To who who isn’t familiar with middle school, it means 13-15 years old. I was bullied at 13. Badly. It might not be as bad for some of you, but other people put porno pictures and sites in my locker, and they well… literally just bullied me. It’s not the kind you see in movies, but they didn’t talk to me, and they took my stuff without saying and made me a toy for themselves. Till this day, when I see them on the streets, they make fun of me. I always say to myself that they are not worthy of my attention, but I can’t deny that it still gets on my nerves.


Ok. It’s a few hours later, and I’m not drunk now.

Basically what happened was my sister used the loser word in korean, and I got mad, and I tried to swap her smart-phone into a flip-phone, and when I couldn’t control my anger, I just broke my sister’s sim card. And so my father raged, and we fought. Then the police came (My father called them when I was trying to harm myself with a kitchen knife and ate the whole week’s pills) and I got drunk, having a bottle of strong alcohol.

I’m sorry for whoever’s reading this, but this is my state right now. I’m a mess. A real mess. I go to mental hospitals, (aka therapy sessions) and eat pills to help my mental state. I have anger issues, and now, I’m starting to doubt myself. Because of anger issues, I smoke, drink, and break stuff. I even tore my award that I personally got from the principle in front of the whole school!

So, I’m a mess.

My life, so far, is a mess. I’m the oldest of the three kids in my family, and I can’t deny that it at times sucks and brings me a lot of stress.

Why am I always writing fantasy or reading fantasy?

Because I want to escape, and the fantasy world looks like a good escaping place to me.

I’m always tired, and always too serious. And I’m personally done with all this shit. But, if I joke, others won’t get it since I’m a horrible joker, and even though I work out now, (Kumdo) I’m still tired most of the time.

I smoke, and I smoke quite a lot. I just smoked half a pack today. Of course, it was a bad day, but still, that’s a lot of smoking I did.

I also drink a lot. I drink till I lose my mind.

So, yes. My life is a mess. And I only have a few exits, and one of them is writing, which is the reason I’m writing here. I’m sorry to whoever read this, but truely, I need somewhere to pour my feelings at. I’m tired of having them all to myself.

Hopefully I won’t feel like this soon. The kind police man told me that there must be a good thing coming down my path.

I really hope so.

Dont ever start smoking.

Seriously.

Don’t.

If someone near asks you to smoke, dont.

It’s not worth it.

Nor is it easy to stop.

Just… Dont do it.

I’m telling you this from my heart.

Just don’t.

Do not ever start smoking.

I want to escape.

I want to escape my life.

Life is full of pain.

I hate disappointing myself.

I hate disappointing ppl around me.

Why am i even alive?

Life is a pain.

Im tired.

Tired of my life being so painful.

I want to rest.

Not that I want to die, but i want to rest.

I can’t help it. I have to harm myself. (WARNING! GRAPHIC!)

I have to do this.

I have to.

Im sorry for everyone, but I have to do this. I need this.

I want to forget the world.

I want to forget the pain.

I want to get out of myself.

I want to be someone else.

Life is a continuous pain.

Life doesnt suck, but it’s a pain.

Why do I live.

Why am I alive

Why 

Why

Why

why.

I want to forget about the world.

Why do i exist

Why do i live

Why

I am losing myself.

Life is pain

I have to live with the pain.

Im am tired and done with it

Society is a bitch

I want to drown my sorrows in something.

I have nothing.

I fought with my friend. (Life)

Well, not exactly fought.

But still, fought.

Life is hell.

Sure, i did tease him now and then, but it was a friendly tease. Of course he somehow got angry at me so I did it more cuz I was angry as well.

Life is hell.

Fuck the world.

He sings in class. I hate him for that. Not only that he sucks at singing, but I also asked him to stop singing on multiple occasions. Of course, he never listened.

Stupid ass motherfucker.

His fucking ego is bigger than mine, which ain’t small by whatever standards.

Why the fuck did I become friends with him? Why?

Why must my life consist heavily of false choices?

Why?

Why is my life a pain?

Why?

Why?

Of course, the math teacher, Mrs. JI, had a talk with me, and I really didn’t like it and liked it at the same time.

Life is a bitch.

Life’s hell.

Why the fuck am I even alive?

Why the hell am I even born?

For pain? For wounds? For scars that wont go away?

Why?

Words alone cannot describe the pain.

No one understands me.

Everyone acts like they can.

No one does.

I appreciate the kind heart, but no one truly understands me.

No.

No one understands the murderer inside of me.

No one knows about it.

No one knows the brutal me.

Once they know they say I should surpress it.

No one understands me.

Life is a continuous pain.

No fun, no luck, no success.

No life.

My life is not what everyone says what life is.

It is not.

Had firearms been allowed in south Korea, I would already have killed myself multiple times.